I knew I should have never worn a dress....

Okay...so I'm not sure where to even begin with the little story of this past weekend.....so I guess I will start with my 'day off' on Friday...naturally I slept in................ until the late hour of 7:15...so I obvi call Mini as i'm sure she is awake too...obvi she is...and so we laugh and talk and my day is off to a fairly normal start....mini me stories and 7 Eleven coffee...its classic....so then i go on my habitual ocd little run...and pass the inifinite amount of hot guys who also are running...one day i may muster up a hello....who am i kidding...i doubt i ever will....so anyways then i make the executive decision to go to the beach...i know i know..i said i wasnt going to lie out after labor day...butttttttttttttttt my dermatogolist appointment isn't for a while...surely my sunburn could fade by then.....soooooooooooo i literally just step onto the beach when mini calls......i am annoyed..i know she is at work...well she was calling to inform me that an applicant had just come by to the store...applying for my job....as it is apparently posted on craigslist...yes you read that correctly...my job is posted on craigslist....so i am like omg wtf....i have a minor freak out...but i refuse to go back to my apartment to verify that my job is indeed posted.....cut me a break...i suffer from tanorexia....nothing is going to get in the way of quality beach time on my day off...and then of course i start thinking of the newfound possibilities unemploymennt could bring me...i would really be tan....and really have time to clean my room...lol...so after the standard sun time of 10-2..........i decide to have my fake nails taken off....people this is the first time in five years that i haven't had fake nails...but i have been taking the "professional" advice which i pay good money for and have been making great efforts to indeed 'break outside the box'...and this nail thing is outside the box...okay the real reason?? i kid you not...i dont have two hours every two weeks to have my nails re-didded...its getting annoying...so then i finally get home and decide that i am NOT going to go through HR and i am going to call my boss directly...who me confront someone??...ohh yes times are a changing...soooooooooooooo long story short it was 'a mistake'...tsk tsk...i wont bore you all with the details...but i do somehow think it was...and if it isn't.....well then more blogs will surely follow..as i will have a ton of more free time...lol...a 'mistake'...yah i'm still wondering too...
Lets fast forward to saturday night...okay so everyone who knows me...knows my 'thing' about wearing dresses out...i dont understand it and i am often horrified when i go out and see what some of the girls' are attempting to pass off as dresses...i mean there is barely even enough fabric to cover their....oh never mind...so anyways because i had promised Emily many months ago that one day i will wear a dress....i decieded saturday night was the night...and obvi the dress of choice was this skany little number....i mean if i'm gonna do it..i'm gonna do it right people..lol...complete with the six inch heels....now these six inch heels i have owned for over two years but have yet to wear...bc honestly they are six inches and not pracitical...ie i cant walk in them...sober....yah you know where this story is going.....
Soooooooooooooooooooooooo eight drinks later.....i have enough 'courage' to finally talk to Mr. Rock N' Republic....i kid you not...and i try not to be this superficial in my life..........but this guy was HOT....100 % he is hot...i just wanna say hi...so i do the oh so mature thing...and have Emily talk to his friend and find out if he is single, straight, etc...lol.........he is.........so Emily tells friend to have him come over....yes i am 28...i introduce myself...oh the guy is from Philly...and gasp he went to college....omg i met a hot guy in sd...AND he finished school...this is a rarity to have both....so we start talking and he's funny...the convo is going well...okay fine so i kept forgetting his name....and had to have emily repeatedly ask him....so then little miss Emily walks on over and declares that "She is leaving and he is to take care of me." Gee thanks emily...as if me talking to a boy isn't akward enough..........she leaves...and i turn to him and say "for the record, i can take of myself'...................he laughs.......and suggests a drink...so we walk to the bar approximately ten feet away...what happens next? ohhhhh i dont know....i fall backwards.........on my ass...literally........................in fact i have a bruise to prove it........everyone crowds around...i stand up and i am legitimately SO embarassed..this is bad.........sooooooooooo i say "OHMYGOD" and speed walk out of the bar........oh wait i cant find my way out...and need the assistance of the bouncer...who finds this hysterical....
my life is one big comedy...it really is....so what do i next? i enlist in the help of mini...and in pure creeper style...she finds him on the myspace...and we are now friends.....
hopefully this story is to be continued....but who knows...after all this is me.....

Summer Re-Cap

Hmmm...yah I know people...I haven't blogged in about a month...but fyi I also moved and was without the Internet for a considerable amount of time...I orginally planned on blogging Labor Days' festivities...but since they proved both hot, sweaty, and not blackout drunk I will not bore you with a blog on that weekend....however I decided to "re-cap" my summer in SD 2007....
I suppose it's fair to ascertain that my summer officially began the wknd prior to Mem Day in Boston...since I wasn't blogging back in May, I will just summarize that weekend with a long mis-routed flight into Boston which left me shivering cold in the 40 degree weather on Joanie's porch at 2am only to have "MC" show up with her 30 minutes later...um yah....even two xanax that night still left me with not sleeping....but then again it WAS "MC" and well i spent a good 4 years of my life wasted on thoughts about him..i still sure would love to have seen "joanie helping him get a cab"....yah lol.....As if that wasn't enough lets not forget the next night having "Chops" come to Joanie's apt at 2am as well....( hmm is this 2am thing a pattern for me? ) - yah and again i was sober....people how i survived that wknd is beyond me.....
But whateves...I was excited to be back in the land of 70 degree weather the next week...and especially excited to see "pf"....back from a long overdue deployment in ICrap...oh yah we saw each other all right....again at 2am...and low and behold i didn't see him again until the night of my original blog...shocker i know...( please note sarcasm )....
The summer continued on...with some new other developments in my life...seeing that this "pf" situation was going nowhere fast...I had to move on...no really i did.....so I "BAS" broke down and went on three "sober" dates...which is NO easy feat for me...and then i obvi got bored with that nonsense and frankly it wasn't all that fun...i just wanted to prove i could do it..like helloo.....and he was 33....a little too mature for me shall we say??
Obvi there is/was the work drama...as there always is at that place...I mean we have the no-call/no-show from the girl whom I'll call "BL"...which was probs for the better.......as she was more concerned with weight lifting and eating cauliflower...but none the less, this was def going to interfere with my "wknd activities".....Then bring on Lil Kim from the Dirty Jersey....I sure hope my 4'11'' friend from Jersey learned her lesson about meeting peeps from Match.com and moving across the country with the m.....all under a month no less....needless to say they broke up....and once again i was without an assistant......and to think that gasp I had another sober date that week lined up that i had to cancel...lol....
Sigh...but Mini and Jas saved the day......and stepped it up....so then of course i had to 'thank' Mini....and what started out as "one night of fun" turned into hmmm shall we say a debauchery/mess on every single saturday night for the rest of the summer.....I have spoken at length about "mini" and i wont bore you all with the details of our shared neurosis.....but i won't lie...our messy saturdays are/were a ton of fun...and most people should only be so lucky to be included....lol jk.....
In the interim other odds and ends occurred...which are no less significant in my life....some include......meeting Debra who in her boredom vacuums walls.....meeting the "23 year old" who chose a girl who wears Crocs over me......finding a fabulous new apt beach side no less...avoiding the dentist successfully for three months....cleaning up two 'messes' of customers who have 'shit' in our clothes...not once but TWICE this summer....OHHH learning how to delete numbers from my phone and NOT drunkenly dial them anymore...( this is what my shrinkie just might even call progress....)
Sigh yes people I have grown up just a little bit this summer...I don't have any idea what the fall entails....but I'll be sure to keep you all in the loop of any major changes/stories...

Oh Sh*t!!

Okay....so I'm fairly confident that everyone remembers the mass email that I sent out last June....in case you forgot, I am going to cut and paste it for you...

Um okay....so in all my stories of retail...i sincerely think this one takes the cake....so lets see...i am ringing up a customer when honestly IT STINKS SO BADLY IN THE STORE... i am like "omg wtf is that?" i see a little kid and naturally assume that it's the young kid, but as their are multiple people in the store, i can't be certain...so the girl i am ringing up...( approximately 20 years old? ) was like "i am just going to use your bathroom"...now our regulars know we have a bathroom and so i am like "Oh okay, Mary can walk you back" Now mind you, mary is the girl i call "mini me" who is the 21 year old version of myself....and since my customer had just been in yesterday....this was not a problem...in fact i remembered to ask her about the John Mayer concert...so one minute later, Mary is crying towards the back of the store and she runs up to me and whispers to me "brooke she shit her pants......there is shit all down her pants" i am like "huh no way...." so in the interim i am trying to maintain some sort of professional decorum...while Mary continues to laugh hysterically.......so ten minutes later the customer emerges from the back wearing the new pair of capris that she had just purchased...and bolts out the store....and sure enough i FUMIGATE the bathroom and see the soiled pair in the trash....i am like OMG PEOPLE..... i mean this is naturally my worst germaphobe nightmare....and MIND YOU IT STINKS THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE store now...so i take the whole trash can outside, as i have decided we are just going to trash the whole thing......so i literally freak out and super clean everything while simultaneously spraying Lysol....Now this story wouldn't be so bad...IF THE SAME THING DIDN'T HAPPEN TWENTY MINUTES LATER...SHE COMES BACK IN!!! and purchases another pair of pants.... i mean i felt like i was on Punk'D or one of those MTV shows where they judge you to see your reaction or something....and then asks to use the bathroom!! I HAVE to ask "um are you okay???" ( this is the compassion in me ) - and then while she is back there, i start freaking out again, as i am like "omg there is no trash can back there, since i had so conviently tossed it twenty minutes earlier!!!" and sure enough she emerges and so kindly left her other dirty pair on our shelf!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and runs out the store.......so i repeated the whole cleaning "process" again...as i reminded my boss who called later, i don't believe that this is in my job description....





So why do I re-bring up this issue?? OHHHHHHHHHHHHH not because it happened to me again tonight!! Yes you read that correctly...so who was tonights' lucky "shi**er?" Ohhh so I had in some Mom, guesstimating to be around 50ish....so she comes in and I start helping her find some clothes...by all intents and purposes she appears to be normal, one of our typical vacationers spending the week in La Jolla....blah blah of course she is from Arizona.....the "problem" occured once she was in the Fitting Room when I smelled a perculiar, yet familiar smell....i am thinking "omgggggggggg this is NOT happening to me"........so i wait the standard five minutes thinking the smell will dissipate....but alas it only starts to smell worse..........so my other girl comes back from her break 15 mins later and is like "what is that smell Brooke ??" because now the entire back of the store where the FRs are, STINK!!! and i just start laughing and explain that i think that the woman in the FR sh*t her pants...as this people was no fart.....so now the whole flipping store STINKS, and you would think that mama shi**er in there would hurry up and pay and leave...but no that would be too easy...soooooooooooo 50 ( LITERALLY bc i was watching the clock at this point )minutes later, having called myself and Katie numerous times to ask our opinions on different tops..are you kidding me???.....you would think she has enough common sense to know that 'we know'....i mean i was trying to keep a normal expression this whole time, as i could barely breathe...........and after five "opinions" on sizes, I had to pull rank and smack Katie on her, I could no longer help her, it just smelled so badly..........so she finally comes out to pay....wearing our shorts naturally, explainig "ohhhhhhhh i just wanna wear these ones out"...( yah no shi* lady, no pun intended ) and is clinging to her dirty pair...."oh i dont need abag for these"...um did you wanna throw them out in our trash??...bc that has been known to happen before...but no......so FINALLY she leaves...and i go on my yet again task of de-fumigating the store....i am telling you this is getting old for me - I DON'T KNOW WHAT I DID TO DESERVE THIS ~ but i guess it's better than my sweet little friend/shi**er from June.............

Oh a day in the life of Brooke.......you gotta laugh with me on this one......

Gangsta's Paradise

Okay...................sooooo today was the official "court day".....today was the day i had to go to the san diego county court and prove that i had both A. gotten my CA license ( not that this was a fiasco in itself..... ) and B. moved my license plate from the back to the front........or else pay $401...obvi i was going to court....soo i show up all refreshed at 9"am and go through the metal detectors....wait in line...with what i'll call Gangsta's Paradise...i now know where all the thugs of SD hang out...and I'm not talking about your regular thugs either.....i mean i was thinking 'how in the world did they even get through the metal detectors with all that gold??' .............twenty minutes later the attendant tells me that I have to have the sheriff walk me to my car to prove that I moved one of the plates to the front ( not that I two months ago put on both plates on the back and didnt even know it...which is what got me in this predictment in the first place.............) ugh WTF slight probs people...i thought we were going to do the 'honor system' on this one or something....bc i obvi hadn't done it quite yet, as i don't even own a screwdriver....so i tell her "well my boyfriend has my car and dropped me off, can i get an extension?" ( fab lie on my part ) i am given a month extension but at this point i was annoyed at having driven all the way on the 163/274 - bc anyone who knows me, knows i only drive on the 5 and 8 :) - so i go to the nearby gas station, where i borrow their screwdriver...well wtf one of the screws snaps in half! so now i can't even put on the front plate....as the gas station doesn't sell screws....i am guessing the screw broke since it was rusted and well had been on my car since boston....sooooooooooooooo i'm annoyed and what do i do? i drive to the gym to 'forget about it'............so i run my little heart out..sham that i am NOT running in the race i paid to run in in two weeks....and then i am like - "ugh i will just do it today" so afterwards i go to CVS to buy a screwdriver... i guess it's good to actually own one....and buy something called "license plate screws" - like they actually sell something called that? so you know where this is going....i am in the parking lot at CVS sweating attempting to install the front plate....as obvi these stupid screw things AREN'T FITTING!!! you would think that someone would offer to help, but i suppose not...as everyone should know how to screw something into place....so whatever....i get the thing on after literally 25 mins, however, i assure you it isn't so stable.....LOL....it WILL fall soon.............but i'm hot and dont care at this point....i then get back on the previously mentioned highways and get to the courthouse....i go through the metal detectors yet again and i speak to the sheriff and attempt to tell him 'my situation' ( aka "oh officer i didnt know i installed two plates on the back of my car, your state is so confusing, BUT LOOK i also got my CA license....etc...i JUST moved here! ) - as i was telling him i threw in a 'you know what i mean, jelly bean?' - he then inspects my car and tells me to go to "207"......................ahhhh yes the illustrious "207" well lemme tell you, this is where every junkie, dropout, etc is waiting in line to pay their fines...i am only imagining what these people are there for.....so after 30 mins it's my turn...the blonie attendant ( there was one other one in the whole place ) was like "where is your reciept for the $15 to the sheriff?' and i said "he said i didn't have to pay" she looks at me dubiously and says "well you owe the city $10 but you might wanna check on your way that he meant that.....you don't want this $401 to come back to baunt you" ( NO crap lady, but thanks for your two cents!) sooooooooooooooooo i go up to the sheriff on my way out, and i said "um do i owe you $15?" and he responds "no sweetheart, you have a nice day"................so i respond "ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh................mucho gracias!"

Only Me

Okay so in honor of Little Kim's blogs...which I will NEVER be able to compete with..both bc her stories are legit insane....and also I assume she is not working and has all this added free time to blog with.....I have decieded to write my own....so anyways I am going to start with my night last night...which is sincerely only something that would happen to me...I mean people this is preciously why I don't do bad things to begin with...BC I WOULD GET CAUGHT............case in point............so after weeks and weeks of Mini pressuring me to go out with her...I finally caved...I mean just how much trouble could the two of get into??? sooooooooooooooo after purchasing matching "69" shirts which I thought would add a classy touch to our already off-beat personalities..( and if anyone really knows us, there is irony about this shirt but anyways.....).we were ready to go....now I should preface this story with I have been having Mary "prank call" "pf"....for the past few weeks...i know i know, so mature for a 27 year old..but whateves, the girl is hysterical and you should hear the crap that actually comes out of her mouth....so "pf" has taken the pranking to the next level to not only listening to her stories, but even taken to CALLING HER BACK which would admittingly annoy me.....so I tell Mini to "chillax" and lay off calling him, as he appears even too busy to pick up the phone to call me these days.....so anyways, back to last night...we have some cocktails and are on our way...we walk into the first bar and go up to the bar to order some vodka shots naturally and who do I see in the bar? none other than pf himself....not that it has been two months since i've last seen him and one month since we've even spoken......so at this point i am still remotely sober....and what is a girl to do other than down some shots and walk on up....soooooo yah....of course he is oh so sweet...and so nice blah blah....at this point i think its best mary not get introduced...bc well lets be honest..i am not about to admit that i had my 'mini me' PRANK CALL HIM...bc that would just be pathetic...so what haps not even five mins later? he sees marys' matching "69" shirt and i introduce him to my sister...which seems to confuse him.....but whatever he never listened anyways to anything that came out of my mouth, some maybe i do have a younger sister...he asks her some basic question before he goes "I know you..............you are Kimberlie"..not that mary and i have distinct voices or anything.... "kimberlie" aka marys' pranking alias.....um yah....so lets just say THIS IS NOT MY LIFE!!! and so what is a girl to do other than binge drink the night away with her Mini...who classically gets herself so drunk she is not allowed back in the bar.....the night was a mess....but the HIGHLIGHT of the night is waking up next to the "23 year old" as I so eloquently label him...and hearing "Good Morning my Beluga baby bear" fromMary downstairs...my eyes widen...I don't know how/where this happenend...and then I see the broken candy braclets that I so maturely brought out last night on the floor...so I do what I do best...I smile and laugh and say my "i cant control the situation i can only control my reaction" mantra....